Balancing ideas and delivery

Back. It seriously took a bit this time to push myself to come up here. Haha.....phyfound? or blog? that is the question....haha....believe me (giving you the stern look)....I was soooo close to phyfound......unimaginably close.....i guess, it was this guys xanga that tipped the iceberg......for the first time in my life, I read a diary that actually made sense to me.....theres still hope...theres still ppl out there that have a clear honest true character...

I need to study....yes, i do....so much to learn and so lil brain to do it.....there seems to be a constant battle inside my head to push myself to sit at the studying table to start studying.....this one time during this week of studying, i pushed myself so hard i felt sick....I keep telling myself, theres only one exam left (ok, the hardest one by far too)....i tell you, this is exactly what goes on inside my head.....INSIDE: just this little bit more left airik!!....push push push....don't fall now airik!!...you're so close....push push push......if you want to show you're strong you push it.........don't let anything stop you.....just push on and you'll be fone....
So yeah, i'm currently dead sick......homesick too.....i miss home...my life back home...my friends......hongkong is seriously my source of confidence.......to know that I have a whole life back home waiting for me every break.......And more importantly, after I get out of my supposedly good education in america....it makes me feel so much better........
I haven't been home for too long....i need to go back and make stuff happen the way it used to be always when i go back.....

hah...its funny how since i made it to hopkins, i never thought studying a week before a midterm/exam was unusal....(ok, i feel like i'm backtracking my earlier phyfound thoughts........

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....wow....
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....i have stuff to say again....holy god.....i actually feel like writing.....
......
....thats what i've been trying to say again and again for the past couple months....that feeling of wanting to write....
....)

.....anywayz, yeah.......i sound like i'm crazy when i tell people i plan to study usually a week or half a week before my tests depending on the difficulty of the test......i always thought most ppl spent that much time too......

this leads me to my 2nd thing.......i'm glad I found out who i am this semester......yep...when you goto college, you do find that you have your own path to take....whilst in the middle of your own, you find that everybody is just taking their own path......they do cross yours....meet up with yours...try to mess with yours.........for better part, I know what i'm doing........as much as i am an outkast.....as much as ppl tell me I'm wrong for what i am (yes, and thank those ppl....i do look at myself and sculpt myself accordingly).......i know what i'm doing...........i know my goals.....i know i'm living the way i'm supposed to.....its definitely not perfect....i am wrong everyday......let me say again, if that i didn't make myself clear enough.....i am wrong all the time!!!........the thing is i have control over myself every single individual day......every tomorrow, I live to live a better life that i previously did......not to only make up for the past....but for the better well being of myself and those that would appreciate that better well being of mine.......

"if i want to talk, I would first have to spend all my time defending what needs to be said".....i don't want to waste my time having to defend what i have to say this time.........whether it is taken the correct way or not... i cannot judge.....i can only hope those that don't would take the time to understand....

there are ppl in this world that can't face the reality.......there are also a lot of ppl in this world that can't face up to the things they do or say........they avoid/back up what they have behind the light...behind what they think of as "too real" or too much to deal with..... they deem themselves as too chill to have the guts to have things the way they want in an honest open fashion.......and to answer all your prayers before more 'uptite' or any other such symbols are called out behind the curtain, i would like to open any discussion regarding anything i do say........i'm sorry, but not being able to confront your personal dislikes is just sad.....not to mention, not understanding that you're only a dislike of yourself is even worse.........all in all, don't be fake.....and don't hate...

to respond to those that are 'chill':......why are you going to class?? why do you goto skool??..why do you take exams??...why don't you just sit on your ass so that your parents can pay for the rest of your nonexistant education?.....or have you been contradicting yourself with what you've been labeling others with?

phyfound needs me.

Erik.