For when fruits, veggies, exercise, plenty of sleep and the occasional colonic won't do, Gamer Grub promises to be the first "performance snack formulated especially for gamers." In flavors like Action Pizza, Racing Wasabi, Strategy Chocolate and Sports PB&J, the snacks are not only fortified with vitamins and minerals, but are specially engineered to be crumb and grease free, protecting your keyboard from its normal all-it-can-eat junk food buffet. We're not sure precisely which brick of the USDA food pyramid that videogame genre-flavored morsels fall into, but we're willing to wave most (OK, some) judgment until we're able to test this stuff for ourselves.
Until then, here are our rejected headlines for this story:
Gamer Grub:
Because Playing Games Doesn't Repulse Women Enough
Because We've Always Wondered What Mario's Balls Tasted Like
Because Vomit Has Nutrients Too
Because You're Not Fat Enough Already
Because It's Obviously Good For You
Because Your Blender Is Broken
Because the Rotting Scrapings of the Cheetos Factory Gotta Go Somewhere
Because the FDA Takes Bribes
Because the Chinese Aren't the Only Ones Trying To Poison Us
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